User:Reza rehardian four reinle

2012-02-03T10:18:35Z

Reza rehardian four reinle: Created page with "There are four basic roles that children take on in order to survive growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional families. Some keep up one role into adulthoo..."

There are four basic roles that children take on in order to survive growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional families. Some keep up one role into adulthood while others switch from one role to another as the dynamics of the family change from siblings moving out of the house or family members dying etc.. Below are descriptions of each of the roles.

Hero

This is the child who is "10 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very dependable and self-reliant. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the class presidents. The parents look to this child to provide evidence that they are good parents and good people. As an adult the Family Hero is firm, calculating, and extremely judgmental (even if very subtle about it) - of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of affirmative attention but are disconnected from their inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are obsessive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.

The family hero, because of their "success" in meeting the requirements of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed.

Scapegoat

This is the child that the family feels embarrassed about. This is the most emotionally honest child in the family. He or she acts out the tension and anger the family denies. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know how; negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted to drugs or alcohol as teenagers.

These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very skeptical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.

Mascot

This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families social director or clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger.

This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships, and often get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" but actually they are very codependent people.

Lost Child

This child escapes the family dysfunction by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and ask "why bother getting upset?".

These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship anorexia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.

The false self that we develop to survive our dysfunctional family is never totally false, there is always a bit of truth involved. For example, people who go into helping professions really do care about people and are not doing it simply out of codependence.

I definitely played the Hero role in my home as a child. Trying to protect my mother from my father and then trying to over achieve outside the house so we would look like a "good" family. But I've also played the other roles too. Challenging the dysfunctional patterns of my family was used on several occasions to deflect the craziness going on in our house. I would be called the problem for wanting to do something when others were destroying the house and our lives during their drunken rage. I can also fall into the Invisible role at times getting lost in my work or some idea to avoid stinging feelings.

Recovery is about getting honest with ourselves and finding some balance in our life. Recovery is about seeing ourselves more clearly and honestly so that we can start being true to whom we really are instead of whom our parents led us to be.
[http://dysfunky.org/ dysfunctional family]
[http://dysfunky.org/ adult children of alcoholics]
[http://dysfunky.org/ al-anon]
[http://dysfunky.org/ codependency]
[http://dysfunky.org/ support groups]
[http://dysfunky.org/ 12 step programs]
[http://dysfunky.org/ recovery]
[http://dysfunky.org/ mental health]
[http://dysfunky.org/ anxiety]
[http://dysfunky.org/ depression]
[http://dysfunky.org/ alcoholics anonymous]

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User:Reza rehardian four reinle